Yesterday the dam broke. A castle of memories had been constructed and all sense of the dark reality we live in was kept at bay by a large impenetrable wall. That wall was maintained and strengthened over the months with each passing day being indistinguishable from the next. Eventually, it became a towering structure that blocked the harsh light of reality. I lived inside my castle and Funmi was living there, too. He was a phone call away. I could just reach out and touch the space where he used to be and it felt as though he was sitting right there.
Then, suddenly and without warning, a crack appeared in the mortar of my giant wall. And before I had a chance to grab my tools and repair my kingdom of illusion, all of reality came flooding in. It was a violent gush of realization. Although it tore through that wall and sent it crumbling down, to my amazement the castle remained unharmed.
My dearest memories were still there but that wonderful ethereal feeling of being able to imagine a future with Funmi still in it was suddenly gone. I had finally found the ache of loss. Although I had fought against it for so long, to my horror, it was not as terrible as I had imagined it. This was nothing but a dull, throbbing sense of grief.
What a strange moment to just suddenly know in the deepest corners of my mind, that I had been protecting so dearly, that Funmi is really gone. He is gone and never coming back. All of the nevers start to build up my head. I am never going to hear his laugh again. All of those plans we made of places to go and quests to embark on together were never going to happen. I could never have another one of those warm, strong hugs that he would give me infused with so much honest and open love that it made me squirm with anxiety because I was so unused to that feeling. I would never get to feel that never-ending font of love and affection again. There will never be another person in my life who could love me with such pure, platonic, and unconditional joy.
All of this loss just came to me unannounced and although the grief was real, I was fortunate enough that it was accompanied by acceptance. At the same time as I realized what could never be, I was able to embrace the absolute magic of what was. This world was made better by Funmi being in it. The hearts of everyone he met were made full and connected in a deep way that time cannot erase.
My family grew. I have the greatest pleasure of getting to add the many people of his life to mine. Funmi’s greatest gift to this world was his love and it will never die. Too many people were affected by its power. Across the globe, we all can feel it. It can move mountains. It can break barriers. It can heal the wounds that this terrible year of 2020 has inflicted on us.
So, I now know in every fiber of my being that Funmi is gone. That bandaid has been torn away and I feel the sting but don’t resent it. I embrace it. I have to accept it. My castle stands strong and my new endeavor will be to make sure that each memory retains its joy. I won’t let my sadness taint the moments that Funmi has left behind.
He still lives in my castle. Every time I look back on what used to be, his smile and laughter are still there. However, I now accept that he is forever out of my reach. I can’t change that by pretending it away. The light shines in and, eventually, I will find peace in my heart. I won’t let Funmi’s gift go to waste. It is far too precious a thing. I will let his love guide me to acceptance. I wish the same for everyone who is missing Funmi today and everyday.
I love you all.
Memorial Website for Funmi 